Anella found herself yet again warped into this vicious cycle that she thought she had rid herself of. Day after day she felt as though insecurity wouldn't let go of her, but the man who kept her safe, and strong was.
Anella had moments of thought where she believed she had fallen victim again to Tyler, this neediness and vulnerability blurred her vision; maybe he had not truly changed. Anella closed her eyes and sat back in her chair and held her breath, worried that she had only created this fantasy to diminish her worry about being alone,
incomplete and not mattering. She exhaled, but didn't feel any better. Tapping her toes, and staring off at random things in the room she tried to avoid thinking that all she had been living these past few months was merely a fantasy created to make her feel safe and valued.
She knew she was being stupid; this was insecurity talking and she dreaded it. She was loved. Anella was loved.
The insecurity just squeezed tighter trying to convince her she was wrong; that she was not loved; that this was all a crazy dream. Anella's eyes filled with tears, she shook her head and threw herself into the couch. Her breath fell short, the inability to open her lungs to properly breath, the suffocating; Anella knew she had to calm down. She counted backwards from 10. 9. 8. 7..
There is no doubt that her personality at this point would scare away anyone, especially her own boyfriend. Who wants to be around a crazy person? She could sense Tyler trying to get away before he was overwhelmed by her neediness, engaging in various distractions in order to lessen his fear of
engulfment.
Anella was hurt. If she could change the person she was at this point in time she would. She hated herself, hated what she had become. She tucked her knees under her neck, staring blankly ahead. She felt fear; fear of being alone, of losing love, of becoming jealous or reactive.
The fear of overthinking.
She sat back and rested her head, breathing slowly, she knew it was love; that every one had these phases withing a relationship. Her cousin had joked that true love died with the grandparents but Anella did not want to agree. True love is endangered because not many people are strong enough to earn true love. She thought true love is earned by dedication, vocalization, trust and faithfulness. Its not dead, its only achievable for those who try and try and try again.
