Confessions of A Love Addict

Anella found herself yet again warped into this vicious cycle that she thought she had rid herself of.  Day after day she felt as though insecurity wouldn't let go of her, but the man who kept her safe, and strong was.

Anella had moments of thought where she believed she had fallen victim again to Tyler, this neediness and vulnerability blurred her vision; maybe he had not truly changed. Anella closed her eyes and sat back in her chair and held her breath, worried that she had only created this fantasy to diminish her worry about being alone, incomplete and not mattering. She exhaled, but didn't feel any better. Tapping her toes, and staring off at random things in the room she tried to avoid thinking that all she had been living these past few months was merely a fantasy created to make her feel safe and valued.

She knew she was being stupid; this was insecurity talking and she dreaded it. She was loved. Anella was loved. 

The insecurity just squeezed tighter trying to convince her she was wrong; that she was not loved; that this was all a crazy dream.  Anella's eyes filled with tears, she shook her head and threw herself into the couch. Her breath fell short, the inability to open her lungs to properly breath, the suffocating; Anella knew she had to calm down. She counted backwards from 10. 9. 8. 7.. 

There is no doubt that her personality at this point would scare away anyone, especially her own boyfriend. Who wants to be around a crazy person? She could sense Tyler trying to get away before he was overwhelmed by her neediness, engaging in various distractions in order to lessen his fear of engulfment.

Anella was hurt. If she could change the person she was at this point in time she would. She hated herself, hated what she had become.  She tucked her knees under her neck, staring blankly ahead.  She felt fear; fear of being alone, of losing love, of becoming jealous or reactive. 

The fear of overthinking.

She sat back and rested her head, breathing slowly, she knew it was love; that every one had these phases withing a relationship. Her cousin had joked that true love died with  the grandparents but Anella did not want to agree.  True love is endangered because not many people are strong enough to earn true love. She thought true love is earned by dedication, vocalization, trust and faithfulness. Its not dead, its only achievable for those who try and try and try again.

When Insecurity Embraces

Something about Marney; Anella couldnt put her finger on it or why this girl could stir up such anxiety within her, but she did and it put Anella in a completely uncomfortable position. She hated being this person, she hated being this girl that was filled with confusion, insecurity and self doubt.

Things with Tyler had been going amazingly. He was consistently a different person; different in a way that a caterpiller is still the same as a butterfly though it has undergone a change; different in the way that the ocean rises up and can swallow something whole, how a calm, flat ripple can transform into a glorious wave that shows charachter, and promise, yet is volatile, unpredictable and could possibly hurt you. It is still the same ocean.

But tonight Anella put a dent into things. It had been an skeleton of hers for a long time. Marney and her had never been close, despite being one of Tylers close friends.  There was a vibe that Anella could sense which just made her feel uncomfortable and sick. Similar to the feeling when insecurity gives you a lingering hug.

This wasn't the first time Anella had brought up the discussion about Marney, but it had been the first time since they had gotten back together; sitting in the car avoiding eye contact.

Their friendship seemed so odd to her; it was obscure at times and others the exact opposite, yet not in the way that two old friends would react after not seeing eachother awhile.  This was love. It pained her to see it and more so to admit it.  Tyler denied her every time stating that it was just a friendship similar to Anella and Jaycee's however this put a sour taste in her mouth.

Her friendship with Jaycee was more than just a platonic friendship; he was family; not by blood but by mind and soul; this was a friendship from lifes ago, perhaps a millenia. Two old souls reunited. There was a rarity about their friendship; like a white crow. Anella strongly believed that no one would have such a connection, especially in a completely platonic way.  The idea was so foriegn to her that she refused to believe that the world was so small that two other old souls might meet within the same city as her, not to mention that it would be her boyfriend and his good friend.

Anella forgot how much she was loved. She went to bed in tears after confronting Tyler earlier in the evening feeling embarrassed for having acted a fool and ignorant, yet again.

The catharsis, the bouncer, and the burden

After her week at Hennessy; washing towels, sweeping floors, observing stylists and the few chances for hands on work; Anella was exhausted. Thrilled and exhausted.

It was a Thursday night, Ronni had invited her out for Kareoke and some drinks at the Creek. What started out as an awesome cathartic idea quickly turned into an anxiety attack. She was tripping over her own feet from her day at the salon, on top of that had no money, and Tyler wouldn't be able to go as he was not 19 yet. Anella thought about flaking out, but realised that she had done this so many times before she had began to attract the nickname "Cereal."  That had to be stopped.

She had 20 minutes to get ready before Ronni, Jaycee, and Dion showed up, knowing that 10 of them would be spent applying false eyelashes; which she had forgotten to apply when going to the salon that morning; the other 10 would be spent refreshing her makeup, perhaps amping it up, and finding something to wear.

Anella made the swift descision to throw on some ripped jeans, a black tanktop, and some old grungy hoodie. Her thought process was -- cute enough to be bought at least one drink, but not hot enough to be picked up where she'd actually have to maintain a conversation and eye contact. Oh lord, she hated that. She often questioned herself as to why she couldn't just be some huge mega bitch that wouldn't tolerate being hit on, a side of herself that didn't pity the boys and gratify them with a response. Anella knew it was better to be upfront and say "Thanks for the drink, see you around" rather than string some poor guy - or huge macho jerk - along all night.

Her phone buzzed Ronni was at her house and ready to make some cupcakes to pair with thier bottle of cupcake flavoured vodka. Anella hated the idea already, but baking sounded fun. After the stereotypical flour fight, and licking batter and impatiently opening the oven many a time to see if the cupcakes were ready, Jaycee and Dion decided to grace them with their presence.

Big hugs and introductions were made as well as cupcakes. A toast with cake vodka and a chase of a cupcake with lots of frosting was made followed by disgusted cringes and some spit up. It was decided that an alternative be served.  The cupcakes were terrible, Anella thinking that golden cupcake mix would be a suitable alternative to the Vanilla or Chocolate debacle was now proven wrong.

They left Anellas house fairly early to avoid any line up on Kareoke night at the Creek. Upon arriving Jaycee took it upon himself to find a booth suitable for our entourage. They sat and laughed and orderd a pitcher of beer.  Finding a pen and recalling a fairly hilarious picture, Anella began to scribble out words one everyones palms. "Put Breast Here."  Everyone believed her to be very original and comical, however she admitted to having seen this before and quickly put out that fire.

The  night passed by quickly as different people performed interesting renditions of Adele, and Adele, and more Adele. Jaycee and Anella decided to switch things up with a rediculous cover of Its Tricky.  Jaycee was a natural on the stage, engaging the crowd  and dancing, experimenting with different vocal ranges; this was directly contrasting Anella's gimic and overshadowing her ability to actually try to rap without laughing.

Anella caught the eye of one boy that night. One who she didn't have to make eye contact with, or talk to or pity or try to avoid; simply because she did not meet him that night. He was a friend of Ronni and had sent Anella a lovely message at the end of her night.

She had not realised that responding to it would create an interest. Anella had not predicted that being friendly and appreciative of his compliments might  result in trouble.  Anella was ignorant.

The Internship and the Interview

Her phone beeped. Anella looked down a number she did not recognize flashed across the screen.  She answered as professionally as she could; she was expecting this call all day. "Hello Anella, this is Kristy -- I'm calling about your internship at Hennessy Salon."
Anella's heart skipped. Though it was almost guaranteed she would get this internship from school, she was still nervous. Swallowing her nerves she tried to speak. "Heeey!" Opps. Anella smacked her forehead thinking to herself. This isn't your best friend or your cat, why would you greet her like that?!  Eitherway the damage was done, she shut up and waited for a response. "Hello, I would like to set up an interview with you, when are you available?" Okay Anella, here's your chance for redemption.

"I can make myself available, whenever works for you."
She slapped herself again, unimpressed with her own lack of assertion.
"Okay Anella, I'll see you at 3." Kristy hung up the phone.

Anella felt the cold sweats coming; she had not expected an interview, was this the procedure, had she messed up the call? God she hated her phone voice.

And Love was in the Air

Anella woke not to the sound of her alarm but to the severe cramping of her abdominals. Though she was in pain, she had a good feeling about this. Her week had been far more stressful than expected, and the fact that she was slightly insane did not help her at all.

After a long yawn she sprang out of bed to get some advil. It had been 4 days, and "it" had not come yet. Anella clicked on the TV, realising that she still had half an hour before she had to get up. Yet another pregnancy test commerical was on the screen, it must have been clearblue or something along those lines. Anella knew it was impossible but she kept thinking it was a sign. She shook the crazy out of her head, shut off the television, and started to draw a bath in preperation for her long day at school.

Anella watched the water steam as it filled up the bathtub, she threw in some salts and took off her pyjamas. The bathroom was cold, she was quick to jump into the bath. The hot water burning the soles of her feet. She jumped right back out, cursing herself for not testing the water first. The mirrors fogged as now cool water was mixing with the hot creating a homemade steamroom. Testing the water this time Anella sunk slowly into the tub. The warm water soothed her abdomen. A tight warm and wet hug all around her waist. She was at peace, she shut her eyes and tried to relax.

Relaxation did not come; anxiety and grief  as thoughts of Tyler filled Anella's head; Tyler had slowly started making attempts to prove he had changed. Their time apart a reflection of what needed to be done  in order to keep a strong and healthy relationship. There were so many reasons Anella could think of that made her want to stay away from him, but her heart shouted at her to let those thoughts rest.

A loud knock on the door brought her back to reality. "Anella, are you ready to go?"
Fuck.
Anella scrambled to her feet, trying to not slip and fall she replied "Yeah, 2 minutes."
Keeling over in pain; throwing on her clothing, stumbling into her shoes, all while applying some mascara without poking herself in the eye; Anella was ready for the day.

Nay-Dreaming

Anella sat in class twirling her pencil in her fingers. Thoughts of Tyler swarmed her head. She was brought out of her daydream by the loud beeping of her phone. The class stared at her; the teacher unimpressed with her noisy distraction.

"Anella, if you must take that, do it outside of the classroom. No phones."

Anella walked out with her head hung, avoiding eye contact from the teacher. She felt embarrassed, her face pink and her heart fluttering she closed the door behind her. The eyes of her class, no matter how its happened to others before, made her feel a spectacle and all the more awkward. With a quick shake of her head, she remembered the reason she was out in the hall. Her hands wrapped tightly around her phone.

Looking down, the LED light blinking bright blue rapidly, Anella was in a state of confusion. Blue was the colour of Carl, and though she hadn't heard from him at all over the winter break, she felt her stomach turn. Anella unlocked her phone and clicked her messages tab.

It was Carl. She thought to herself how odd it had been to hear from him again. "Gym?" Anella shook her head. School would drag on to about 530 tonight unless they let the class out early by fifteen minutes. She fiddled around with her phone and gauged the likelihood of her going to meet up with him at the gym. Anella had not heard from him for at least 2 weeks, its been a long day, and frankly she had better things to do like watch "How to Train Your Dragon" for the 17th time. She started typing away at her phone.

That sounds nice and all, but I'll be pretty tired after class and I don't feel like shaving my legs just to get all sweaty.
Anella laughed at herself and felt satisfied with this answer, it wasn't a lie, and it sounded in her humour. As she began walking back to the class and her poorly manicured hand reached for the door handle her phone buzzed again. She was somewhat excited to see Carl's response to her humorous excuse.

You're going to hate this but; I just don't have the energy for you right now.
Anella's face cringed in confusion. She was little disappointed in his lack of humour, but replied anyway; turned off her phone and returned to class.

A twist in the Tale..

It was a cold day in Vancouver, the clouds hung low in the sky and and eerie mist set around the city.

Anella had not heard from Carl since her return from Whistler and didn't expect to. A good distraction for the time being. Here she stood at the Quay, awaiting a twist in her fate. Her best friend, Jaycee, had warned her of this day. The day Tyler would come crawling back, begging for her, and explaining all his mistakes and woes; trying to smooth talk his way back into her heart and messing around with the dust that had settled in her mind. "And.. you're going to tell him you've moved on, and you don't need him, and even if you still love him you can't have him dragging you down." He had said.

Cigarette lit in hand, she stared blankly at the sea bus terminal, watching one leave as another came. She questioned herself why she bothered to risk her weak immune system, and her heart for this foolish boy. She gazed into the water a dark teal and brown colour, and birds; lots of damn birds flying above her eyeing her french fries from McDonalds. She knew this was his seabus. She could sense it.

Her phone beeped with a text - they just looked at me like i'm an idiot, there is no second floor to this starbucks, where are you...- "never mind, I found you." Anella turned around. He came up to her. Tall and handso- "What did you do to your eyebrows?! And.. your hair, why are there racing stripes?" She was in shock. He laughed, and said "It'll grow on you." She looked at him, his foolish grin drew her in instantly. Nothing else was there. That was at least until their eyes met. Her heart hiccuped.

Anella's heart grew that day.. she scolded herself for it, the only thing that should be growing is the hair on Tylers eyebrows, the eyebrows over his husky blue eyes. She'd gotten lost in them so many times before. She forced herself to look away, turning her attention back to the distractions of the birds, the water, and the people passing by.

They stood together, lit another cigarette and stared again into the distance; Anella awkwardly avoiding eyecontact; speaking of their lives and the people they've met, even how they've changed. The conversation flowed with ease and Anella found moments where things felt absolutely normal. Moments where she remembered when they were blissfully in love; thats when she'd fall silent and look away, also remembering that they no longer were.

And after they spoke nonsensities, their gazes met..

Tyler reached forward for her hand, Anella laughed, teasing him "is this where you tell me you can't live without me? And you love me and want me back?"

His eyes never left her. His mouth twitched, trying to fight back the dissappointment and continue holding a smile. It became obvious to him then that Anella had truly moved on. The sky had gotten darker, they had not looked up until the soft touch of the rain had began to fall onto their cheeks.

Anella squinted as she stared into the sky, once again avoiding Tylers eyes. She opened her mouth to catch a raindrop on her tongue, however the rain was far too light still and had only grazed her cheeks. She spun a few times, just feeling the refreshing and cool air against her face.

Tyler took her hand this time again, and stopped her mid-spin. "Anella." His voice shook a little, she could hear it and knew that it was time to be serious. "I know you think this might be a joke, but, I miss you." Anella felt her heart hiccup, again. She swallowed, unsure of what to say. Of course she had missed him aswell. She was so in love with him. All the firsts they had shared together were hard to forget, not that she wanted to. Her hand tightened around Tylers grasp but as she realised that it had done so, she let go. His bright blue eyes looked into her. She felt them poking around inside her head. He must be so confused right now. Anella was still thinking of what to say that time was passing them by all the more quickly.

She tried to speak but nothing came out. Anella took as subtle a breath as she could; not that it made a difference, his eyes fixed on her. "I miss you too."

At that moment, Anella fell into a tight embrace. Locked in his arms all the emotions came rushing back. She was in a state of utter confusion. Everything Jaycee had predicted was coming true. All the nights spent distracting herself with Carl, wishing Tyler would realise his mistake were becoming a reality.

She tried to speak again, "Tyler, even though I've missed you and - " He interrupted her, "Anella, stop talking; I need to say this."